Humans originally existed as
members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the
mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in
all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
Beer required grain, and that was
the beginning of agriculture. The glass bottle and aluminum can were not
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer.
These two were the foundation of
modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups:
(1) Conservatives and (2)
Liberals.
Some men spent their days tracking
and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men, who were less skilled
at hunting, learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly
BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair-dressing. This was the beginning
of the Liberal movement.
Some of these Liberal men evolved
into women. Others became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy Liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy,
group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the
meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came
to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern Liberals will drink beer
with lime added, but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat
tofu, burnt meat and French food as the standard Liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have higher testosterone
levels than their men.
Most college professors, social
workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood,
group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. Liberals meddled in our
national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule, because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer.
They eat red meat rare and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes,
members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works
productively.
Conservatives who own companies
hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or
nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production.
Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in
Europe when Conservatives were going to America. They crept in after the Wild
West was tamed and created jobs of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world
history.
It should be noted that a Liberal
may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.
A Conservative will simply laugh
and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be
shared immediately with other true believers and to just piss off more
Liberals.
And there you have it.
Let your next action reveal your
true self.
I'm going to have another beer.
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