You might be an Occupy Wall Street protester if…
Robert A. Hall
You’re naïve enough to believe that 99% of the people agree with you.
You are so concerned about global warming that you signed a petition to ban carbon-based life forms.
You think crapping on police cars and the American flag will win over the public to your cause.
You think the government is putting di-hydrogen oxide in the drinking water to poison poor people.
You hate capitalism, but can’t imagine life without iPods, laptops, Starbucks, Ben & Jerry’s, smart-phones and the millions of other good things capitalism provides, that no other system does.
You think pepper spray kills lice.
You couldn’t explain “supply and demand” if they gave you three tries, and the prize was a $50 baggie.
You hate Wall Street but support Obama, who got more Wall Street political contributions than any other politician.
You own a $5,000 laptop, a $300 smart phone, and every item of clothing on you cost over $100, and you think you are deprived.
You hate the bums who come in and free load off the free food supporters donated to you.
You heard that David Duke endorsed OWS, and are delighted to have English royalty on your side.
You hate what Wall Street has done to the economy, but love Fanny Mae and the leftist politicians who gave them the tools and the green flag.
You got crabs from your tent-mates, and didn’t even have sex. As far as you remember.
You celebrate diversity, except for those dirty Zionist Jews who run Wall Street and the banks.
You think all debts should be cancelled, but first you want your parents to get their life savings out of the bank before they collapse due to the cancellation of all debts, so they can still support you.
When you chant, “The people, united, will never be defeated,” you’re thinking that uniting with that Wellesley coed wearing only shorts and body paint would be a good first step.
You get a funny WTF look on your face if you go someplace that doesn’t smell of urine.
You’re outraged that majoring in “Peace Studies” with a minor in dance hasn’t gotten you a six-figure job right out of college. With a company car and six weeks vacation. All your professors assured you that it was a great career track.
The last thing you “occupied” was the pull-out couch in your parent’s basement.
You think everyone is entitled to a minimum wage of $18 per hour even if they don’t have a job, and if that means everyone collects $18 an hour 24/7 for not working, won’t this be a great world?
You think crapping in a Starbuck’s Grande size latte cup and tossing it outside the park shows how considerate you are.
You think food is made at the supermarket, and should be given away, not sold for a profit.
You think grabbing the pizza and running from the delivery guy is “sticking it to the man.”
You talk a lot about your “constitutional rights,” but have never read the constitution.
You think healthcare, jobs, good housing, free food, clothing and maybe a nice ride are human rights guaranteed by the constitution, just like free drugs and sleeping until noon.
You’re not really sure exactly what “constitution” means, because you weren’t a Law major, for God’s sake.
You can’t believe how the cost of weed is skyrocketing here among your socialist brethren, and assume it must be grown by evil capitalists.
You think it’s pure evil for the banks to expect loans to be repaid, but wish you could find that guy who borrowed your cell phone so you could call your parents for some cash.
Your sister gave you A200 for Christmas.
You hate capitalism, but can’t think of any non-capitalist countries you’d be willing to live in.
You’re for spreading the wealth around, but if you catch that SOB who stole your laptop, you’ll beat the hell out of him.
You think people having sex in public is cool, but wish you were included.
Your parents have decided that, since you’re 32, this is not a stage you will grow out of, and have sold the house and moved. You think to a condo in a 55-and-over only community, but can’t be sure, as they left no forwarding address or phone.
You found out that your mother is telling people you are in prison to avoid the embarrassment.
You thought “income equality” was our worst problem, until you looked around and discovered the “intercourse inequality” between you and the attractive kids.
You think spending a night in a damp sleeping bag when it dropped below 40 degrees and everyone ran out of weed is the same kind of hardship they give soldiers medals for.
You know it’s time for a sponge bath at McDonalds when even your fellow protesters flinch at your pong.
You consider reneging on your student loans as “working your way through college.”
You keep the words on your protest signs short and easy to spell, because you weren’t an English major, for God’s sake.
You think Bush was as evil as Hitler, but don’t really know who Hitler was. Didn’t he evict protesters, or something?
You hate the rich 1%, but love George Soros, Barack Obama, John Kerry, the Kennedys, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, all theHollywood leftist stars and other downtrodden multi-millionaires.
You think we should abolish the police, and that if you could just find the misguided fellow who raped the girl in the next tent, a “shame circle” would straighten him out.
You believe in “free love,” except for the guy who gave your occupy-hookup-girlfriend the STD she passed to you.
You have discovered that constant drumming and drugs give you migraines.
You are pleased you put those rich capitalist small businesses and hot dog venders near the park out of business by driving their customers away.
You can’t understand why anyone would vote for a Republican. You certainly wouldn’t if you ever bothered to vote. But man, there are lines….
You think we need a far-sighted leader who will have the government run the economy like Mao, Stalin, Hitler, Mussolini and Mugabe did.
You don’t know much about history except that America is evil, always invades other countries like France that you can’t find on a map, and was the only society to ever have slavery. Or require loans to be paid back.
You think it shows the diversity of the OWS movement that both the American Nazi Party and the American Communist Party have endorsed it.
You thought Wall Street would give in and make this country a Socialist Workers Paradise before it got so damn cold…